Perfect Tomato Sandwich
Here's a recipe for the perfect tomato sandwich.
Perfect Tomato Sandwich
Preparation time: 10-14 weeks
- Sometime in February, buy a pack of tomato seeds for a couple dollars. In the spring, the local nurseries will gouge you for the plants for transplanting (it's like selling umbrellas in the rain). By planning ahead you will save a ton of money.
- After buying some potting soil for $4, plant your seeds in cups. Water them nearly everyday. Put them outside in the morning to get sun and bring them inside at night to protect them from the cold, the squirrels, the bugs, the wolves and tomato poachers. Repeat at least 30 times.
- Sometime in the middle of March remove the remains of the winter garden. Add 10 wheelbarrows of composted horse manure and till the beds until your arms feel like they will fall off. Take a steaming hot bath and then limp for the next two days.
- A week or so before the last surprise freeze of the year, plant your tomato plants in the ground, which should take an hour or so. If you are unsure about the best way to plant them, spend 6-8 hours researching the subject on the internet.
- Buy 10 tomato plants from Lowe's for $3 and plant them within eyesight of your stunted and shriveled seedlings.
- Water and fertilize your plants. Notice how your watering affects the local weather. When you water your plants, it will rain withing the next 6 hours. When you don't water them, hot, dry, and windy conditions (aka the Tom Joad Wind) will persist.
- If at any point you don't visit your tomatoes for more than two days, be sure you have at least two hours to devote to their pruning.
- While weeding your tomatoes, but after they are staked, learn that you need your gloves to weed, but that it's impossible to tie a knot with the gloves on. So you will need at least ten pairs of gloves as you lose them in various parts of the garden.
- There are three baptisms you must undergo before your tomato will ripen: baptism by stinking soaked shirt, baptism by sunburn, and baptism by fire ants. Note: Contrary to popular belief, baptism by stinging wasps is only necessary for the production of string beans. It is optional for tomato farming.
- Finally a day or two after its first blush, pick the first tomato and steal away with it with Gollum-like zeal. Keep an eye out for tomato poachers.
- Upon ripening take a picture of it for your blog. Look out the window to see if anybody sees you taking close-ups of a tomato.
- Now's the time to be a purist. Toast some bread; slice your tomato. Add a slather of mayonnaise to the bread. Stack one or two slices of tomato. Salt and pepper.
- Enjoy!
nice. our tomato plants were just put outside a few weeks ago. We'll be doing the same thing in about August
That is one beautiful tomato! Makes you almost hate slicing it up. Now, I consider myself a purist, I slather mine with Mayo but I like un-toasted bread. It makes for a messy sandwich near finish but it's soooo-o good. Even better than sliced bread is a hamburger bun, with the right size tomato, one slice is all you need...cut thick of course.
Oh, I forgot, have you had any cucumber sandwiches with any of the many cucumbers you have been reaping? They're made just like a tomato sandwich with cucumbers sliced long ways to fit your bread.
Either of these sandwiches are good summer sandwiches, good winter sandwiches...left over spaghetti & sauce mixed together or white bean & rice sandwiches, both on butter bread.
Oh, My God, I'd have to eat two of those!
--Jannie
what's yer favorite mater sammie mayo? they say there's nothing like homemade...
to make your own you have to carefully pour the oil into the bowl a drop or two at the time and whisk like a maniac on fire with jesus or you don't end up with mayonnaise. could be fun. could be work.