A Slow Accumulation of Vice

They say that the older you get, the faster the years go by.

The slowest year of your life may be 17 going on 18, while 30 going on 31 is, well, not so special.

Because when you're 17, you are anticipating enjoying all of the rights of adulthood. The same happens with 20 going on 21, or earlier when one approaches the driving age. And really when I say rights, I mean the right to have a vice.

Your first vice is the right to drive. With this right, one can freely pollute the air and have the potential to dismember others. But it is so enjoyable to play music at train deafening decibels while circling the Sonic parking lot. At 18, one has the right to enjoy tobacco refreshments. What can be more fun than waking up with a brick on your chest? Its a form of independence. Then there is the drinking age which allows one to act like a fool and to do all sorts of embarrassing things like pee on yourself.

So I say, in order to keep life at a slower pace, rather than give all these rights to people when they are young, why not hold some of them back.

For example, the right to consume sugar begins at age 8. Then driving (16), smoking (18), and drinking (21). TV watching is allowed at age 25. Imagine the possibilities. Think of the demographics.

Then at age 35 one could be allowed to start smoking pot. At least that way one's career is halfway on track. It would also help because that's the age where one's life becomes exceedingly dull.

Probably the best vice would be one where, after turning a certain age, let's say 42, one could be allowed to become a celebrity. Then all of our role models will at least have a little life experience.

21 year olds don't have enough money to waste at casinos, so let's raise the gambling age to 50. They're the only ones who win anyway.

And who can argue with a 70 year old that they should not be allowed to smoke crack? By that age, all the good reasons just don't matter. Would a 70 year old rob a store for crack money? No. And with the repeal of the estate tax, seniors have a little extra cash to blow anyway.

Finally for the lucky few who reach 90, they have earned the right to own a handgun. They are the only people who really need it for protection.

They say youth is wasted on the young. I say youth is wasted on the wasted. Currently, we get all our vices when we are young, and spend the rest of our lives trying to dispose of them. Let's let people slowly accumulate their vices over the course of their lifetime and we will all be the better for it.

Posted by Mike Waugh at July 20, 2004 10:48 AM